Except for me... somehow I struck up a temporary rapport with a young man behind me in the building security line, and we stayed together, like newly orientating freshman, for the entire first day. We talked-- we shared-- drank coffee, amused ourselves-- spoke about family and children-- college, musical taste, films, sports-- and stayed awake throughout an uneventful long day of waiting. Seven hours with a stranger, minus lunch, when I suggested we separate to give him a break from my company. We ended up ironically running into one another and sitting out the final 30 minutes of lunch at an outdoor table, talking.
Scanning the motley crowd of New Yorkers, I am struck by the irony that by mere coincidence of place, it is we who may decide the fate of an individual or group who happens to be on the weekly docket. What qualifies us, besides citizenship, to pronounce and determine this way? Do we suddenly sprout ethical wings and rise to some occasion? We flawed and imperfect humans who make errors of judgment every single day, order the wrong sandwich, forget to phone friends, miss appointments?
Standing in the middle of Foley Square at lunch, I am a little nostalgic. During my first experience as a juror, the defending lawyer was 30-ish (old, in my eyes) and developed a mad crush on me... he'd look my way and blush as he gave his depositions. In the court elevator he handed me a note asking me to have dinner as soon as the trial ended, explaining he wasn't permitted to speak otherwise. I guess it was flattering-- looking back, I had my own agenda then, and my own constantly shifting plans. The whole experience was like a party-- a group of us formed a little clique-- we shared ideas and music during lunch; I had a little walkman in those days and headphones... we were all happy about missing work and went out to a bar afterward. We joked about being on the right side of the court barriers, at least for now. For years, these people came to my gigs. Today I can't remember a single one of them-- one was Jose-- I'd have to look back in my ancient phonebooks.
Less vivid were my pre-marital registry visits to the adjacent civil courthouse, and one divorce. I remember climbing those stairs, the two of us, to mutually agree to our failure as a couple-- no argument or litigation... Today a funny couple dressed in street clothes was pinning cheap white veils to their heads and taking selfies... a marriage of love or convenience. Who knows? 'I give them six months' a friend used to pronounce every time he saw a wedding party.
Maybe these civic marriages are taken less seriously... or maybe moreso because they lack the distraction of pomp and party. I personally was way young and made hasty decisions. I had slews of boyfriends along the way and never really considered or even knew that each of my two young husbands had summarily dumped a decent partner when they met me. What kind of future did that predict? My version of commitment was at best under-done. I somehow knew I hadn't mated for life. Still, the disintegration of these relationships is painful and familiar. Our Prince Charmings grow weary and bored; one difficult night-- or you are late from a gig-- they go out and drink and blink their eyes at flirty women who do not inspect their hands for rings. I, too, found myself inappropriately bonding with band members and artists who confided and begged. My role as a wife never acquired the habit of fidelity, the ritual of one-bed/one-mate. What wrecked me was the aftermath-- the reality that this person who'd been your absolute intimate-- the left hand of your pair of gloves-- was becoming a stranger, was whispering into a new pair of ears, walking down the aisle with someone else. Love is the prize of life; then the death of intimacy is lethal and cruel. Many divorce cases mitigated in these courts are the sad attempts to punish one another for the loss of something that can never be regained, only recalled. There are pre-nups but no real insurance for the missing emblems of love; there are designated thieves and burglars, but the real culprit is time-- familiarity, lack of trust, resentment... failure.
If I knew then what I knew now... most likely I would have made the same poor choices. In four years-- my next jury-service date-- they inform me I will be old enough to opt out. I now know this will pass all-too-quickly. In my twenties, four years was a virtual lifetime. Coming out of Federal Court I wonder if I am any wiser or more qualified than the young people in this room. One thing I notice-- they don't seem to be having nearly the fun we all had back in the 1970's and 80's. They are all reaching constantly for their absent phones like an involuntary reflex rather than exploring the experience-- or trying to be cool. As I said, my friend and I were the only 'talkers' of note... even in the bathrooms on a break, no one spoke; no one laughed.
Today I miss my friend a little-- they placed us on different panels. Still, Monday we bonded and shared. I am old enough to be his mother, but we exchanged small intimacies and anecdotes and a few laughs and it punctuated the enforced boredom of waiting. Jason from Irvington-- I never asked his last name, paid little attention to the roll calls... although I know how he liked his coffee and what little league position his son played, his little girl's favorite Disney songs. The irony of New York-- the five degrees thing-- he might end up somehow reading this blog and thinking I'm a crazy old bohemian bassist-stalker. Forty years ago we might have exchanged numbers-- or not. It was like a two-act play, complete with intermission.
These days most of my acquaintances are past not future... here as elsewhere I am among the oldest in the room-- only one or two others, with canes, are close. No lawyer will ever notice me on the panel, no one will blush or wink or smile or hand me a note in the elevator. This suits me now somehow... as though the relentless justice of time is finally served.